Every time I reach out, attempt to connect to others, my chest tightness, my heart races, and my stomach turns. I truly desire to have a support system and friend group, but I constantly fear rejection. The worst part is I feel rejected even when I’m not necessarily being rejected. A simple “I can’t make that time” or ” I have work” feels like a rejection rather than just that it didn’t fit the schedule. I feel as though most people wouldn’t have felt upset with these replies, but I just feel utterly rejected. I’m just trying to let go, feel confident, and allow myself to make strong bonds that I can trust. I just wish the process was easier. Doing all I can to ease this anxiety.
We all get touched here
I remember when
A day long ago, yet not so far
I looked at her and said “what’s the big deal, what’s she crying about”
Because we all get touched
Why does she get to cry
And get your pity and empathy
When I said it, no one believed me
Or maybe they just didn’t care
So of course I didn’t support her
I mocked her
“Get over it” I thought
We all get touched here
Unwilling and unwanting
They get what they want
So stop crying
“It’s not a big deal”
Because if you hurt, I might need to hurt too
If you cry, I might need to cry too
See, it’s not that I didn’t believe you
Or that I thought you shouldn’t hurt
It’s that it hurts to bad to recognize what happens
To recognize how it feels
It’s easier to be cold
And numb
And “get over it”
Although we never will
#metoo
For my sanity
This is for me
Not for you
Not just for your view
For my sanity
For my release
So why is it here?
Asking for your approval?
Why not in my notebook that sits idly by?
I may say it’s convenient.
To type on this app…
To leave my notebook behind.
But is it not just my desire to connect?
My desire for approval?
Just a stray
I guess I’m trying to find my way
In a world I always feel stray
Wandering and wondering each day
If I’ll ever find my way
Just a stray
I guess I’m trying to find my way
In a world I always feel stray
Wandering and wondering each day
If I’ll ever find my way
One
Dripping down
One drop
One leaf
It’s coming down
Falling down
Quietly
A change of pace
Slow to a stop
A moment
Dark reflections and introspections
Isn’t it interesting when realities become nightmares.
I toss and turn at night, crying in my sleep as my heart rebreaks in a dream. Mind of mine, let me lay in peace. I do not wish for his face to haunt me and I do not wish for the future to taunt me. Let me rest. Let me recover. Life is challenging enough without your dark reflections and introspections.
I wish to lay still; to be still.
Toothbrush
https://dailypost.wordpress.com/2017/08/01/toothbrush/
I glance at the bathroom. The door is wide open. I can hear the water running in the shower. The sheet has fallen to the floor and I lay on the bare bed. It’s stained and worn. I see something that looks like blood and wonder who else has laid on this bare bed with the sheet fallen to the floor. It smells musty. A bit old, maybe almost rotten, yet somehow I like the smell. It smells familiar and comfortable, yet I’ve never been here. I look back into the bathroom. The mirror is foggy from the steam and drips onto the counter. There’s a glass jar. I notice a toothbrush. It’s frailed with green grips, but there’s another. This one seems fresh. The grips are pink. Pink. Would he have a second toothbrush for himself that is pink? Or have I done it again? Laid and somehow betrayed. I shuttered at the thought. It feels like just yesterday I faced a girl with a broken heart. Who wanted to blame me, to hate me, and maybe she did, but more she hated herself for loving him. I can’t do this again. I can’t face this other toothbrush. I grab my clothes. I rush out unexplained.
Exactly Who I Want Be
I laugh with tears in my eyes.
It is what I have realized, never what I expected.
I can be exactly who I want to be.
And how is this something I could not see?
It is you with me, and doing what I need, to be exactly who I want to be.
Confounded by the limitations and the can nots and must nots, I failed to see.
I can be exactly who I want to be.
That Moment
I think it is good to have that moment
The moment you look back and feel deep melancholy
You see what is lost and mistakes made
But you see it with satisfaction, heartache, but satisfaction
Because now you know
Now you know that’s what had to happen for you to be where you are and love who you love and miss who you miss
I think it is good to have that moment
thinkwithdepth 