And maybe the world just needs me to be heart broken. Maybe I am doomed to feel all the love possible, and feel it ripped from my chest. After all, I’m different when I’m heart broken. My mind explodes. Creativity, hope, passion pours out of me. Out of the broken pieces. I am fearless. I am reckless. Nothing can hurt you when you cannot feel. But just before I go numb. I feel everything. I feel guilt. I feel his pain. I mourn him. I desire him. My chest shrinks, constricting my lungs. Taking my breath. It’s unbearable. I feel too deeply. So I turn it off. It becomes so much, it hurts so badly, I just stop feeling. Maybe I must always be broken. And as I am numb, a new love saves me and again breaks me. A cycle of love, heart ache, and emptiness. Maybe the world needs me to remain broken.
Freestyle with my ukulele. A story of child abuse.
Why do we have vices. Why do we crave mistakes. We want to act out. To get in trouble. Let’s stand out. Let’s get out. Let’s cry out. Can’t we feel that a mistake, the problem we form without a cause, it is merely a desire to escape the boundaries we feel we must live in. Is it necessary to escape? Maybe not for everyone. Maybe not for you, but for me, I need escape. I need panic. I need thrill. I need what others consider insanity. If I’m not jumping over the edge I’m not alive. Why? If I can’t expose the depth of who I am, do I exist? I feel as if I am not close to anything, including reality, if I can’t just bare my soul. I must make my self vulnerable. I must challenge the expectations that others hold because if I do not I feel as if I’m hiding. I wonder. I wonder if calm people are really just calm or if in reality they are just drowning who they are deep under the social structure they have been placed in. I used to. I was drowning. I could hardly breathe. I was overwhelmed, so underwhelmed. I could not meet my potential, couldn’t even reach for it because I was trying so hard to be who people wanted me to be. Is that you? Are you hiding? I want to pull you out. Give you air.